Monday, 11 January 2010

happy new year peasants!!
you know you've lurched through the tedium that is christmas and into a new year not because you're a good stone fatter than you were a few ,short weeks ago. no, the reason you know it's early january is that celebrity big fucking brother is on tv again. z list celebrities cooped up in a house for our "entertainment". Their ability to build in drama where there is none to be had is frankly mind boggling. it must be a very deep barrel they've found to scrape this time round.
The last time i felt such an utter sense of despair was in the late summer last year when ,as a family, we went to West Midlands safari park for the day. This has got to be the most unrewarding experience of anyone's life. you negotiate your way through a series of (slowly) opened gates ,inch forward to (not) view a motley collection of beasts. i swear i saw one of the animals mouth the words "kill me now" Rather ominously there are signs up telling you to leave your windows up--why?? i didn't see anything near enough to my car to cause any sort of problem. maybe it was alluding to the fact that you might end up fucking soaked in the pissing down rain which accompanies you on your african odyssey.

Monday, 30 November 2009

oh the horror!!!'s december tomorrow. traditionally the time of the year when i officially begin the inexorable slide into being miserable and curmudgeonly. those folks that say "the meaning of christmas has been lost to commercialism" are mostly right..but as a determined opponent of organised religion, i say "what meaning??"
it all points to open wallet surgery for me and to cap it all ,this year i'm on call from work all over what holiday there is!!!

Saturday, 28 November 2009

"eggheads" on this the most futile piece of programming in the history of televisual "entertainment"?
synopsis--5 smug quiz nerds lord it over allcomers in a test of general knowledge. at least 2 of this bunch of socially inept misfits appear to still live with their parents and one of them looks as though she may slip from this world at any moment.
it wouldn't be so bad if they just answered the questions but they have to add little morsels of extra information just to make their opponents feel even more inadequate. the camera seems to hover on their faces when their opponents are being asked (fucking hard) questions and often c.j will contort his face and roll his eyes incredulously when they inevitably get it wrong.
the bbc should be brought to book about this programme...humiliation by anorak is a particularly cruel and unusual punishment.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

in what seems like an almost daily occurance, i was contacted by phone by some chancer from the sub-continent offering me a mobile phone.
not only did this herbert have the temerity to try and convince me that i needed his services but he also introduced himself (in a thick bangladeshi accent) as ELVIS !!!.
"now we both know that's not your real name don't we??" i ventured. he was nothing if not persistant. i really despair of the current state of things when NO doesn't appear to mean NO anymore!!
you just know that these types are reading off a pre-printed list and ticking the boxes as you make your way through the process. it can be hugely entertaining to insert really left field answers/words into the equation safe in the knowledge that ELVIS (not his real name), will soldier on through the questions unfluttered however irrelevent your answers are.
in my part of the world, there has been a lot of local excitement about the unveiling of the definitive site of the battle of bosworth. this (for the uninitiated) was the last battle in the wars of the roses and ushered in the tudor dynasty into english history. i would wager that by the very nature of them, large scale conflicts such as Bosworth were fought over a widespread area and many villages could lay claim to have been the site of a battle. geographically, everything points to it being around the fen lanes surrounding Bosworth- until a chap in the local threw new light on the subject.
"Henry tudor's army was made up of welsh infantry but also included a fair proportion of french mercenaries. these would have landed at Milford haven and travelled to the midlands down the A5. Richard 111 would have dispatched his troops from London up the A5. their likely meeting place would have been around Atherstone or somewhere near"......this i agree with in principle. however, he let himself down badly with his next observation.
"we know from writings of the time that cannon and heavy horses were used so it makes sense that the battle took place in this area because they would have used the canals to transport them up there" i 'll admit that a small amount of wee came out of me at this point.
the same canals that weren't built for about another 400 years? i suggested
"you're a cunt" came the stock reply.